I am at a loss. I do not know what to do. Probably because there is nothing to be done. This blog is not a place for political ranting, I’m not even really sure what my politics are anymore, but I just know that I am tired of all this.
Our little interrupted family is being broken by forces bigger than ourselves, in the name of the greater good. I understand intellectually that there are more important issues at stake then my personal situation, but I do not feel it. Instead I feel frustrated, hurt, scared and angry. I feel trapped, powerless and abandoned. I do not know when things will end, what I should do or where I should go for the best. Do I ride it out? Do I pack up and leave? Can I even if I wanted to? I do not come up with any answers to the endless circle of questions in my head so instead I stay at home and sit on my sofa or lie under my duvet and pretend I cannot hear them.
I realise I have to find a way to accept that this is the current reality of my life and not waste more of my precious time on this precious planet in despondency, or bitterness. But, at the moment, that is a depth in myself that I cannot make contact with. I hate seeing my child become isolated and numb to constant disappointment and separation, because what I am seeing is a mirror of myself and I want to be a better parent for him then that.
If I feel like this in my lovely, safe, comfortable life then how are other people feeling and what will the damage be? Now that really is terrifying.
I am not a conspiracy theorist or a vaccine denier. I see how hard and how horrible it is for people working on the front line (although I hate this war time rhetoric) and I would not do or say anything that belittles their trauma or the grief of people who have lost their loved ones. Yet I am so angry at the deliberately divisive incompetence of hypocritical politicians. I am so angry at the sportsmen and insta-influencers and the celebrities on holiday, the skiers and the second homers who have effectively ruined our family’s chances of seeing each other this year so they can win a medal, get a tan or get their tits out. I am filled with fury at the people strolling through the villages, driving for miles to take pictures, blocking the roads, leaving litter, parking on blind bends, chatting with groups of friends and family, going to parties, picking up every packet on the shelf of the supermarket, and then turning around and posting on social media that they are glad the borders are shut, that hotel quarantine is being enforced, that people shouldn’t be travelling. Because maybe I would agree if they hadn’t made this situation worse. Maybe I wouldn’t be so annoyed if there was any sign of it ending, an apology for the hurt caused, or some recognition that even though the majority of us have followed every rule, spent weeks in quarantine and a fortune on tests, worn our masks, stayed at home, turned down invitations, not flown away on holiday, washed our hands, supported local businesses, had the vaccination, done the homeschooling, zoomed our birthdays, anniversaries and funerals, exercised with Joe Wicks, clapped, donated and baked bloody banana bread and sourdough, we are still no further forward. If anything our situation is worse and has no sign of getting better.
My story is my story. It is only relevant to me, but I can see it is also indicative of something much larger and much more worrying. I feel powerless to change anything, and it is that lack of power and general apathy that is really the most damaging thing that our society is facing and that is being slowly but surely taken advantage of by those who claim to act in our best interests.
So I’m just saying here, for the record, these are not MY best interests. These are not the best interests of MY family, or for those of many of my friends and, judging by the hideous comments I have been reading on social media over the last 24 hours, I do not believe they are in the best interests of our society either. I find myself living in a world where people have felt justified in making others feel bad and publicly shamed for daring to be upset that their small children cannot see their fathers, that they are unable to go to their grandparents funerals, or know if and when they will be able to see their sons, daughters, partners or elderly parents. These are not people wanting to go to Disney, these are the people who we have invited in to solve skill shortages or sent out to work around the world on oil rigs, merchant ships and military bases to keep our little, spoilt, bubbles ticking along nicely, yet apparently we can find no empathy for them or the ones who they have left behind.
So, in conclusion, I will comply, because what choice do I have? But do not expect me to do so happily, or to come out the other side of it undamaged and in the mood for celebration.
Here endeth the rant. I’ll go back to posting pictures of my dinner and cakes now.
Here’s one of some cookies. They were delicious.